Perceptions
I wss talking with a friend the other day and we got on the subject of relationships. We both agreed that relationships take work, but once both people come to an understanding and are able to bridge their differences, things can proceed accordingly.
I came to the conclusion that the issue isn't so much our differences, but our perceptions of those differences and how they compare to our own set of values.
Everybody has a different range of sensitivity and their own way of absorbing the world and interacting with it. If we perceive the taste of chocolate different or rock climbing, it isn't a problem because those perceptions are personal ones and we never really know how the people in our lives are experiencing anything. However, when we are in a relationship it's a totally different set of circumstances. How our partner perceives us and how we perceive them has a direct bearing on how we relate to each other and get along. It's not so much that we do things differently, whether it's an act or a way of thinking about something, but our overall perception that propels our reaction.
A couple could have very distinctive communication styles, but how they assimilate what's being verbalized is really what sets the tone for what transpires after the exchange. For example, the woman in a relationship might be very open, and blunt to the point of being brusque. When other people relate to her in the same way, it's not a problem because her perception is that speaking ones mind is normal communication. But if she is in a relationship with a man who is more sensitive, and measures what he says and how he says it, her words are going to be perceived by him as being rude and hurtful. If he verbalizes his unhappiness, her perception is going to be that he's too sensitive and can't handle the truth. See how screwed up things can get?
The best thing to do in these situations is for both people in the relationship to modify their communication style and their perceptions. Taking the above example, the woman can practice better communication skills by learning to measure and soften the way she says things. She can still get her point across by being more indirect and tactful. This is showing her partner that she cares enough about him to filter herself. She's still being herself, but presenting her personality in such a way that it does not cause her partner to respond in a negative manner ie. shutting down, getting angry, etc.
The man can improve his communication skills by learning not to personalize anything, but to take everything she says at face value; understanding that her bluntness is her being her, not an indicator of her not being into her partner or caring about him or his feelings. If both partners are willing to make changes, their relationship will conversely improve.
I came to the conclusion that the issue isn't so much our differences, but our perceptions of those differences and how they compare to our own set of values.
Everybody has a different range of sensitivity and their own way of absorbing the world and interacting with it. If we perceive the taste of chocolate different or rock climbing, it isn't a problem because those perceptions are personal ones and we never really know how the people in our lives are experiencing anything. However, when we are in a relationship it's a totally different set of circumstances. How our partner perceives us and how we perceive them has a direct bearing on how we relate to each other and get along. It's not so much that we do things differently, whether it's an act or a way of thinking about something, but our overall perception that propels our reaction.
A couple could have very distinctive communication styles, but how they assimilate what's being verbalized is really what sets the tone for what transpires after the exchange. For example, the woman in a relationship might be very open, and blunt to the point of being brusque. When other people relate to her in the same way, it's not a problem because her perception is that speaking ones mind is normal communication. But if she is in a relationship with a man who is more sensitive, and measures what he says and how he says it, her words are going to be perceived by him as being rude and hurtful. If he verbalizes his unhappiness, her perception is going to be that he's too sensitive and can't handle the truth. See how screwed up things can get?
The best thing to do in these situations is for both people in the relationship to modify their communication style and their perceptions. Taking the above example, the woman can practice better communication skills by learning to measure and soften the way she says things. She can still get her point across by being more indirect and tactful. This is showing her partner that she cares enough about him to filter herself. She's still being herself, but presenting her personality in such a way that it does not cause her partner to respond in a negative manner ie. shutting down, getting angry, etc.
The man can improve his communication skills by learning not to personalize anything, but to take everything she says at face value; understanding that her bluntness is her being her, not an indicator of her not being into her partner or caring about him or his feelings. If both partners are willing to make changes, their relationship will conversely improve.
posted by Luciano at 10:10 PM
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